I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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