Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
