My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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