You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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