I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
