i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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