I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
