It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
