I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
