The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
