I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
