I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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