A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
