Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
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