Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
