My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
