His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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