I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize