He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
