you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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