Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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