If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Never joke about your clitoris.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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