Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
