Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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