She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
