Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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