youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The struggles of a small town man whore
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
