Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
the night ended with taco bell and tears
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
