i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
