I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
