now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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