Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so let's talk penis.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize