accomplished twins. life is a go
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
