Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
