She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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