Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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