Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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