I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
