So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
