I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i think my cat just said my name.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
