Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
