M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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