help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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