i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Randomize
