There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize