It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize