Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
