I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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