Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I stole a fireplace last night.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
