bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
