Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
