i permit you to call me
so that wasnt chicken after all
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
