Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
