Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
