Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
