Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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