if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
