Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
