flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
sarcasm needs its own font
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
